Being sure of my choices is very diffucult. When friends want to go eat lunch I always say that I don’t care where. I’ve bought an outfit, went to return the pants one day, the shirt the next, bought them both again, later to exchange both for another size. It is not limited to clothing as I did this three times with a very large bathroom vanity over the course of a year. I’m not sure what this says about my personality but I am certain that this annoys the people closest to me.
Today was the first time I’ve really sat back and thought about the things we have changed in our lives over the past year or so. Last summer I started suffocating in my 1800 sq ft house and decided to have a garage sale. I got boxes and walked around for weeks collecting brand new items that I couldn’t even recall buying. Why did I own only one pair of jeans but have a heap of unopened craft kits shoved in the back of my closet. I’ve had the same underwear for at least 7 years yet I seasonally change the wreath on my front door.
Maybe it is some sort of attention issue or possibly because it was raining all day and I was trying to get my mind somewhere other than trapped in a motorhome with two kids. I really got to thinking about how much time I spent doing things that really didn’t matter or make me happy. Why would we fight so hard to have a family and then pile on so many unnecessary responsibilities that would keep us from being together? I’ve heard that acknowledging there is a problem is the first step but I cannot remember what comes next. Is step number two changing everything and pray that it works out better!? These are BIG CHANGES, not just subtle ones.
Matt has been applying for jobs around Oregon. He has an offer for airfare, hotel and a rental car to go check out a vascular surgical group in Medford. For the past 2 years I’ve googled different towns trying to find if I could really make another place other than Alaska home. I’m not even checking population, schools or paralegal jobs for me. Just seeing pictures to see if it looks cute and green. Honestly, I’m beginning to see that this is really happening and I’m sort of feeling that same anxiety about shopping for pants! How do I know for sure this will work out?
I’m going over and retracing everything we have changed, making sure it fits and reassuring myself everything will be ok. I shared these thoughts with my darling husband. I am pretty sure he has finally dialed in on my diagnosis as his
advice to me just became the title to today’s madness.
Today was the first time I’ve really sat back and thought about the things we have changed in our lives over the past year or so. Last summer I started suffocating in my 1800 sq ft house and decided to have a garage sale. I got boxes and walked around for weeks collecting brand new items that I couldn’t even recall buying. Why did I own only one pair of jeans but have a heap of unopened craft kits shoved in the back of my closet. I’ve had the same underwear for at least 7 years yet I seasonally change the wreath on my front door.
Maybe it is some sort of attention issue or possibly because it was raining all day and I was trying to get my mind somewhere other than trapped in a motorhome with two kids. I really got to thinking about how much time I spent doing things that really didn’t matter or make me happy. Why would we fight so hard to have a family and then pile on so many unnecessary responsibilities that would keep us from being together? I’ve heard that acknowledging there is a problem is the first step but I cannot remember what comes next. Is step number two changing everything and pray that it works out better!? These are BIG CHANGES, not just subtle ones.
Matt has been applying for jobs around Oregon. He has an offer for airfare, hotel and a rental car to go check out a vascular surgical group in Medford. For the past 2 years I’ve googled different towns trying to find if I could really make another place other than Alaska home. I’m not even checking population, schools or paralegal jobs for me. Just seeing pictures to see if it looks cute and green. Honestly, I’m beginning to see that this is really happening and I’m sort of feeling that same anxiety about shopping for pants! How do I know for sure this will work out?
I’m going over and retracing everything we have changed, making sure it fits and reassuring myself everything will be ok. I shared these thoughts with my darling husband. I am pretty sure he has finally dialed in on my diagnosis as his
advice to me just became the title to today’s madness.
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